Step back or Move forward to the Way without YoU!

I don’t know how to start to write, or speech about a feeling hidden inside me. I know nothing to mention these. It’s all about me. Have you ever feel, hate, angry, love, miss and jealous with someone else who you count on him as one of your close friends? I’m not sure about you, but I have.

I don’t know the reason why I have these feeling inside me, but it start from the day I hanged out with a friend of mine who back from Japan. When it comes up I can’t control myself at all. It drives me crazy sometimes for a moment or longer than these. First I thought it will be alright, but from time to time it much harder when I saw him.

I try to release and save myself by talk or chit chat with other friends. One of them said “You like that guy more than friend.” I have nothing to say beside head and heart in my chest debating. The other one of my best friends, she wants to know what’s wrong by asking me lots of questions after I run to her several days when that feeling came up.

“I don't know how to help you if you don't tell me you story, just tell from the start why u started to like him; what did he say to give u hope; how it happened?” she asked me. I replied “I don’t know how to tell you, he didn't do anything. I don’t know why this feeling come up, it’s truly complicated heart. I feel hate, love, jealous, envy, miss, and angry at the same time with him.” uhh.... I wonder why, we just talk with each other not much. :-? ...

“I really wanna help, but what can I do? You should know why you started to like him and what makes you feel this confusing? I know he is a lonely person, so when he has s.o whom he can talk to, he like to share his feeling and sometimes even ask u to be his online gal friend or s.th like that. If u can think this way: people at that state of mind, are talking same things to many girls to search for the one he can really rely on the most. He just needs to kill his lonesome. We can't really trust on this kind of person. He may consider and compare so many girls at the same time and he might choose no one among them all. Be strong! Don't let ur feeling master you.” she said. I replied “Betrayal heart is not listening to my head right now. I don’t want to run into this way. I want to put away this feeling as soon as possible.”

She mentioned that “You can try to think why you like him? What's special about him?”
“I guess he has nothing special over my heart” I talked to her. “You are lying? If he has nothing special, he can't fly into your heart, he can't stay there till now. You can't be crazy coz of him.” she stated up. “I can’t find it” I said. “Sometimes it’s just small things, but you fall for it. If nothing, you can’t fall for it. Maybe he is a gently guy, his sound so gentle.” She kept asking. “I guess it is not that way.” I refused and let her tell me other point of view that lead him jump into my heart silently.

She continued “Or maybe he is a good student? Is it because you viewed him as a great person since he could get scholarship and study abroad? Or is it because you feel he is a good guy who never has love affair or relationship with other gals so far? Is it because he looks handsome to you? Is it because his voice is sweet? Question yourself with similar questions.” “No, it is not like that I guess. Maybe I get the answer, he is alone and feeling lonely as mine. We met the same situation, a moment likes this so deep down inside me. I feel pity on him. Maybe it is the reason why he runs into my tiny heart without a sight.” I uttered.

“People said 'ah nit sa-eut jeang srolanh' but I don't think you should waste that much of you heart for that. Well, you just be ready to share but don't have to compensate him by you love. You are trying to fill his emptiness. You have to know if he needs it, otherwise it's just a waste. It's like humanitarian work. We think these people are so vulnerable and they deserve help from us and we try to provide them with so many things which they don't really need. Then they will never appreciate what we have done and we just waste time, effort, money, heart and more while they still feel empty and not satisfied and even bored with what we've tried to help them. The best way is that we just show the willingness to help if they may need you can come to us to seek for help if they do need it and know that we are always there to assist them. We don't really have to offer them this and that like one of our friends’ case, he knows he can come to us, so he come when he needs. Don't respond to what not supposed to be directly to us. I don't know if u get what I mean, but I really recommend you not to try to compensate his emptiness if he doesn't ask for. Keep telling yourself to be strong, you'll be strong. Keep telling yourself to stand on rationale to do thing, you will be strong.” “Like you, if he's not desperate for your pity, you don't really have to anit him that much. He can deal it by himself. Mind your own feeling more. Don't mind other's feeling more than ours. Care about our feeling too. Don't just give to others. Don't just sacrify ourself for others. Love ourself more. This is not selfish.” she pointed out.

I get everything she said. I know what love is but I don’t know what pity is that truly hard for me to overcome these feel without knowing anything about the state of mind. Then I told her, she really happy to hear that. She said “I am happy that you can get it and know what you should and should not do. People often forget to care about oneself and rather gives all the care to someone else. If we only care about ourself a little, we would not be much hurt. It's not wise to do so.” Thanks for sharing your heart to understand my feeling, my dear.

Now one thing I have to do is step back or moves forward to the way without him for awhile. Eventually I realized that to capture a heart “First you caught my eyes -- then you caught my heart.” Some people said, but for me reverse “First you caught my heart, then you caught my eyes.”